hey guys,
Being obsessive about romance, and seeing as that is what my blog is about, well here is romance, enjoy and please give me feed back at onyinye.mbala@Gmail.com... I like to think I'm a good writer, but I would love your criticism..


Puberty was a blessing to me I filled out nicely, with the ample bosom, that is the trademark of every African lady, and I turned a lot of eyes.. I mean few African men don't get distracted by ass.. I felt well I could have every guy I wanted, and a part of me still feels my mom noticed what I was becoming and how I took it and used it to my advantage, but even if she did I guess she wanted me to learn my lesson. At this time I was 14 and I had this cute neighbour, I think he was 16 at the time. he was in one word, what most girls would call "beauty". Hell I even saw it too.. but with my pride and attitude I felt he wasn't all that..

I'm just going to call him Ted. He was a friend of my brother's and was my arch-enemy. He would tease me soo much that I even started having dreams of killing him... it was that bad.. I remember this one time there was this cute guy in my estate and I was talking to him and Ted just came to us and started saying really annoying stuff to me and he called my brother out, and I must say my brother is the over-protective type. My brother chased my cute guy away, and I mean literally, like down the road, and screamed at me for putting myself out there for guys... Thinking about all of this right now I'm just like I was fucking 14, people don't even have social lives at that age, at least that was what my brother felt. Being the devilish bastard I was, I got back at Ted in the most vicious way I could think of... I ended his relationship with his girlfriend. He was mad at me for like weeks and then we got back to our normal teasing.

I did not realise that we were in the same grade till he switched schools and came to my boarding school. Did I forget to mention that ted was hot at 16... Well he was, every girl wanted him and he knew it.... He made my life soo miserable and I returned the favour, one time he was eating in the cafeteria and I poured my cup of water on him and he almost beat the crap out of me... and believe me I was soo fucking scared but you know man gatts save face, so I pretended like I wasn't even moved by his anger... Ted just walked away, and I thought he did not touch me out of respect for my brother.. but he was angry again for a long time, but being Ted, we went to our normal teasing, and it went on till graduation, and he left for Australia. The thing is, I loved Ted although I would have rather died than tell him that.... I loved him soo much and the fact that he left without saying goodbye hurt me soo bad, I mean this was a guy that I loved and he didn't love me back. It just made me feel like the power that I felt I "wielded'' over the male gender was in fact only in my imagination.

Anyway, I also did some travelling, and I went back home for the summer, and I was expecting Ted to be there, but he wasn't..... Through out the summer I did nothing but go to the beach, to his favourite spot, in anticipation that he would find me there, but he never came... I pined for him and cursed him for not coming back to see me.... Although it was not really my place to do so... I got bored going to the beach everyday, so I worked in my mom's boutique.... One rainy morning, while I cursed my decision to work for my mom, which meant that regardless of who you are you had to report for work at 7:30... I mean do people still wake up at that time.... while I was swearing and being angry, I heard a familiar chuckle, it was that of my brother's... I hadn't seen this fool in a long while and I was soo happy; I jumped on him while he caught me and spun me around.... A familiar voice then said, 'if only I could get that enthusiasm from you'.... It was him, Ted, he still had that same smile same face although he had grown taller and those shoulders were breathtaking...

My mum saw my brother and they went off to catch up, leaving Ted and I alone.. He just kept staring at me and I felt uncomfortable, so I thumped him, it was bad enough that he left without a goodbye, but was making me feel weird and I did not like that.. He just smiled and as usual I was speechless for some seconds although I recovered quickly, to ask him why he left without saying goodbye. He then asked me if we were friends at the time... The statement hurt and I think he knew that because he suddenly grabbed me into his arms and kissed me, and I felt the way I felt in all those dreams that I had featuring him. When he stopped he looked at me, as though he wanted more than a kiss, but he did not want to overstep any boundaries...

When Ted told me he wanted to marry me, I was shocked.... and I refused, and my reasons being:

• he was not in love with me
• he hated me and I hated him
• it was the second day of his return
• we argued half the time
• I was certain he was not in love with me...

I was scared of being in a marriage that was loveless and filled with arguments which I knew was bound to happen. Ted threw me off balance by saying that he fell in love with me when we first moved into the house when I was 7 and he was 9. he loved me soo bad that he pestered his parents to switch schools so he could see me everyday... he loved me soo much that he fought with my brother, his best bud by the way, over me, which made it impossible to ask me out. he loved me so much that for every St. Valentine's Day in school, he would send me flowers and candy, but make it seem like it was from the boy I showed interest in, so that I wouldn't feel bad because the boy never did like me. he loved me to the extent that he couldn't bear life without seeing me. he loved me so much that he quit his job and his life in Australia to come back and look for me.... which I thought was pretty a silly reason seeing as he owned his company...

Anyway, I'm in this big room filled with people and beside me is the man I love, lets just say I agreed to marry him, I mean I can't get old without a husband right?? I'm kidding, I love my Ted soo much and yeah we got married and I cant wait for the honeymoon... Oh yeah, I finally figured out why he didn't hit me in school and also why he totally cockblocked me from that random guy cutie from my estate.. yeah well you probably figured it out too... I love him so much and I cant wait to win every argument by seducing him... it's going to be fun....x

this is all I can think of right now... have a great day guys..:)

Well he's not technically my first, but I guess I loved him....

I saw him first in my second law class... I think he was late returning for the semester so that was probably why he didn't come to the first class. He was the first Nigerian boy that I just liked at once... they tend to get annoying and when you get to know them, you become used to them, so your feelings towards them change to a more intimate one, and then you tend to think its love. With him it was different... he was cute in that baby way that made you just want to hug him, his voice was made in heaven, or so I thought at the time... I told myself that it would pass like my other crushes, but I think I knew I was deceiving myself.... and if you're reading this and you know yourself, please don't think I'm weird....

anyway after that class, I told all my friends about him... like I didn't even waste that much time... they never believed that he was that "fine", and I know they probably still didn't even after I showed him to them. the next day I found out that he was in all my classes except my homeroom. and I started the looking game thing.... sometimes I still think he thought I was weirdo but oh well... sometimes I would stare at him and then when he caught me I looked away... I mean I did that with everyone, I don't really make eye contact with people because I just don't feel comfortable with it, its like they can read my mind and my eyes are very expressive.... but with him it was different... I don't know how but I know it was. 

I went through every phase of love... sometimes I was like yeah well he can't ever like me cuz I am not like other girls that are straightforward.. and some other times I'm like I'll be the one to take off the blindfold, to open his eyes to my "hidden beauty"... and yeah that only happened like one night when I watched all the Cinderella story movies... please don't judge me...:D anyway I think he got the message that I liked him cuz every time he walked past me and my friends were there, they would nudge me and make all this silly faces and noises... and for a time it got weird... and perpetual if you're reading this, with all the love in this world, fuck you!!

so one week, I was feeling all superwoman-ish and I "proclaimed" to my friends that I did not like him anymore and I also managed to convince myself that I didn't... only because through out that week I did not see him... on the Friday of that week, I was having lunch and he walked past... and I just kept staring at all that gorgeousness... my friends noticed and teased me the whole fucking day... oh yeah and sometimes I was just like why me lord? how can the boy I like not even say a word to me although it seemed like he knew I liked him, and then other boys I dint give two fucks about keep bugging me? I sound mean but it was the honest truth..

He did some nice things for me, he helped me carry a bag one time and he also called me smart indirectly.. or at least that was the way I interpreted it... and yeah we had conversation once... and yeah I almost forgot... I was Skype-ing with my friend in the same residence as him one time, and he walked and said hi to me and didn't it know was me so I just listened to their conversation... he is smart and I guess that is what I like in a guy... I mean physical qualities count but a brain has to come with it right?...

This summer my friend sent him a message saying that I loved him in Chinese..... fuck you again perpetual.. and yeah I don't think I can ever face him again... he was a cool first love I guess... yeah he was... The annoying part was that I never got to go out with him although if asked me out I'll have probably said no because I'm stupid like that.... he seemed like a fun guy and yeah that's it about him, that I know of.. and if you're reading this please don't judge me again ....

I don't want to wake up each morning alone
I don't want to wake up and come to the realization that you never loved me
I don't want to think about the fact that the love that I thought I felt was a façade
I don't want to believe that you only saw me as a means to an end
I don't want to understand that you used me to get to my friend
I don't want to hear that your heart now belongs to another
although it technically never belonged to me.....

I don't want to see your face
it reminds of all those times that you said you loved me
and I believed it
I don't want to hear your name
it reminds me of all those blush worthy times I screamed it
in the heat of our passion, the one I thought was real.

everyday I keep picking at the scabs in heart
just my existence is pain,
seeing as I can't do anything without thinking of you
I loathe you, at the same time I love every part of you

I don't want to know anything about you
I have enough pain already
please don't inflict more
don't come to me saying sorry
it does not bring you back to me
rather seeing you is a constant reminder
a reminder of everything I lost...
I don't want anything that has to do with you

*words from a broken heart

Okay so I'm in my history class and I do not understand anything my professor is saying.... so i'm just going to vent on here...
Yesterday I saw a picture of you and I thought to myself, how do I ever stop loving you
I'm probably too young to be talking love but what I feel is different from any crush i've ever had. It is nerve wrecking and disgusting and annoying and too fucking  beautiful. I love you and I don't know what to do about it. I don't see you as much as I do and although I know that you know that I feel something for you I can't fathom if you feel the same way about me

I can't bring myself to love another because no one else has made me feel the fluttering of butterflies in my tummy.... no one has made my heart pound just by looking at me, no one has those beautiful eyes of yours.... no one has that havoc wrecking smile of yours.... that smile that I'm sure turned even the hardest of hearts to putty.... i'm not capable of love if it's not you...

Lool this sounds soo serious..

I remember when I was drained emotionally and psychologically on Friday, the beginning of thanksgiving weekend, anticipating a loooong boring weekend watching romantic movies and eating ice-cream, lamenting over the fact that everybody else has a life and I don't. but trust that was soo not how this weekend went.

On Saturday, I woke up and realised I had some shopping to do so went to the south keys after making myself look like I was bearing the weight of the world all by myself.. I was at Wal-Mart and I saw a few friends... before I could finish exchanging pleasantries, well lets just say I was overwhelmed and didn't know the particular point at which I agreed to spend the weekend downtown. forget the way I'm making it seem boring... it was the exact opposite..... my friends are loud and we can conclude that my weekend was a pretty loud one..

for dinner on Saturday I made some beautiful pasta thing that I invented as usual...;) and it took hours to finish so by the time we were done all we did was eat and sleep.... but I skipped out on all the fun parts...as we returned from Wal-Mart we saw beautiful boys and when I see something beautiful, I gotta say it.... so I screamed at the top of my voice "hey cutie!" and they all turned and me and my friends just smiled and waved ..... they got on the train with us and they would look at us and try to avert their eyes...to cut the story short, my friend Vicky who is soo forward by the way went up to them and started a conversation

they all loosened up and were laughing. they seemed to be having fun so I was working up the nerve to join in the fun since I am up for anything that spells Romance. that was when she came back and says "don't even bother guys they're kids". being the youngest out of all my friends I still didn't care so I asked "how old" and she said they were 16...

why exactly do the good-looking guys have to be too young or douchebags or homosexual... I mean normal sexy beautiful guys that look like God set a special day aside to create them, or look like beautifying fairy dust and magic and enchantment whatever was sprinkled on them, are sooo hard to find these days.

anyway back to my story, so that was it for our fun... oh and unless you count making everyone on the bus join in on our conversation, I mean that was the highlight of my Saturday evening because on the bus we were having this really loud conversation, until old guy finally said and I quote "would you all quit talking about these girls marriages, they are just kids, what the fuck are they doing getting married"... oh yeah I forgot to say, we were talking buying or renting a wedding dress.. being the wedding crazed maniac that I am, lets just say I took that argument pretty serious. on Sunday morning I woke up late, so thanksgiving service was out of the question, but being the religious person I am, I went to an evening service...

 anyway I spent my time trying a new dish.... roast duck, with pasta for stuffing and fried rice... the pasta and the rice came out pretty nice but my beautiful baby refused to get done... I mean the duck :( anyway way I had to finally cut the duck into different pieces cuz I couldn't wait any longer and there....

on Monday I did absolutely nothing... actually I went to dunni's thanks giving dinner.... it is actually refreshing to see boys who can cook, well. anyway they had a proper roast turkey and it was delicious by the way, but I was soo full. I met new people.... tolu bimpe tunu dave cassie ... that's all I can remember.... it was a battle not to fall asleep.... don't get me wrong it was funnn but man was tired now.... my body was complaining... we played games and talked about things ranging from sexual escapades to the white house to being single to American politics to buses in Ottawa and Toronto..... it was the most random discussion I had ever seen. I just found out today that people knew Obama's address...

it was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wish for any better, I guess... I mean there are things you certainly don't see every day, Vicky cursing in three languages when she burnt her fingers on the stove... that was priceless... or even listening to exhilarating conversations about 50 shades of grey, gay actors, or even the talent Asian girls seem to have, of always looking cute even if its obvious their closet vomited on them. it was something I'm definitely sad is over and I wish to experience again... well dreaming is over and my harsh reality is the fact that I have three mother-fucking essays due next week.... superwoman mode activated....;)  G'night y'all, hope you had a lovely thanksgiving....

On this cold and foggy day
Sitting in my boring poli Sci class
Still waiting for the professor to walk in
But secretly hoping he wont.....
I'm thinking all these thoughts

And then my mind wanders back to you
And how you would walk me to every of my classes
And how you would kiss me senseless
Just before I walk into class
So that my thoughts would be centered around you

And then you would come to get me
After each class I had and ask me 'how was it'
In your beautiful voice, that made me forget your question
And then you'll smile because
It went exactly how you wanted it

We met as kids, i was the shy kid, and you, the boy who couldn't wait to get dirty
For a weird reason we connected
I would always tell you about my wish to be a lawyer
You would laugh about it and tell me it was stupid but i should go for it
You were always so carefree and creative
Someone who flowed with life, one who wondered without motive
While i focused on what i thought i wanted

I met him, in high school.
The one whom i thought was the one
In him i saw creativity, in him i saw you.
He made me laugh, he made me groan with frustration, he made me love, just like you did.

I also met him in university, i was very sure he was the one
God knows he even has your smile
Your ability to make me believe that life was a roller coaster
The ability to make me unwind and just live in the moment.

The funny thing is i don't know why these relationships ended
But all i know is that in all these men i saw you.
The impression of you still fresh in my memory
The image of you in that coffin
Just lying there, cold and lifeless
I could swear that it was just yesterday
We were sitting in the front porch of my house laughing and playing with puppets

But i guess i'm stuck with just wishing it was you instead of all these men
Old habits die hard though.
Hanging out with you is an old habit i don't intend to let go.
So i guess wherever you are
You're stuck with me
Although we'll never see each other again

Its just hard to say good bye to a friend, a would have been lover /boyfriend.
I'm still finding it hard to grasp that you are gone although its been sixteen years
All these men can wait
Today a woman mourns her dead love.
That woman mourns the beautiful union that would have been
 Today with grief in her heart

she mourns the beautiful love that she once had

My love for you is as boundless as the sea
I love you with every piece of me
I will love and love and love
until I have nothing left and then;
I will make more of the nothing that lives
where everything once did, just so I could keep loving you
I would dismantle me to put you back together again

I want to say words to you
but when I see you I become incoherent
I want to tell you how full my heart is, of love for you
but my tongue remains stuck.
my heart beats faster
I can't even look into your eyes
and then you smile;
because you know my pain
you go through the same.

its so hard coming to terms with the fact that you're gone
when every single thing reminds me of you
the room we shared;
lord knows i still smell your perfume
the one you knew i loved so much
i remember waking up each morning smiling
because you always spoke in your sleep
speaking beautiful words
words that told me of how your heart beats only for me
the heart which now beats for someone else

i remember how every morning
you would kiss me awake and i would pretend to be surprised
meanwhile i had been awake all along
i would wake up hours before you
just to stare in awe at your beauty
and ask myself if i really had you
if i was dreaming or if in fact it was reality
i let my insecurities get in the way of our love
and my worst nightmares became the reality i face today

i remember how you would hold me so tight every night
and assure me of your love for me
and kiss me senseless before we would go to bed
i remember how you would tell me that no one;
no one was capable of taking the spot i had in your heart
i remember how you would take me out every Friday night
and we would do silly things like we did before we got married
to a dressy restaurant or even the beach where we ran around like kids
but i guess you now do all these for someone else
because it is clear to me that you are no longer mine.

how did I ever think that I would find love
that it would come the way it does in novels
that it would engulf me and carry me to planes I never knew existed
that it would take over my life completely
that I would love you and you would love me back
and that I would be your one and only

how did I ever think that we were just friends
and that you would think nothing more of our friendship
that you would never look at me in that lewd way
that all the dinners we went out on were just friendly dates
that you would not rape me in the privacy of my home

how did I ever think that love existed in this world
that parents loved their children
that they cared a lot for them as I see in some movies
that instead of chiding and abusing them all the time they killed them with love
that instead of introducing them to drugs they gave them the best education

how did I ever think that I would not love again
that there was no man out there with a heart so full of love
that he would love me even when I didn't want him to
that he would teach me what love truly meant
that he would love me and love me just because I was me
how did I ever think.........

today its a woman, tomorrow its booze
it never occurred to you
that the one who loves you, is pining for your attention
its either I didn't make your bed right
or I didn't cook your food early
when last did you ever notice that I changed my hairstyle
or bought new clothes.
you keep saying those words
 I love you...
but baby, now they are not enough
love is that searing pain you should feel in your chest
when the one you claim you love is gone
but tell me do you even feel it?
it is that rush of pleasure that comes
when you hear your lover's name
but tell me do you even know my name?
it is that moment when you feel that time stops
at the sight of your the one you love
but then again do you ever notice when I'm around?

these words are now not enough for me
 I need someone who says the words
and also means them;
and this person, you're not
 I guess this is good bye because
suddenly I have realized that I deserve better
better than the measly I love you's that I get from you
because these words are so not enough