Love?

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i'm thinking love at first sight or sudden realizations of love, but happy endings all the way. i love happy endings, i'm sweet like that :)

i'm thinking of an unsuspecting boy and girl who do not realize that their hearts are about to begin the eternal dance of love.
they go about their lives without a care in the world until cupid or whatever it is decides it's time to enslave their hearts, and force it to be in tune with each other.
i'm thinking they get introduced by a mutual friend, or they unexpectedly bump into each other, or their eyes just happen to meet and lock in a room. 
their fate becomes sealed at that very moment even if they haven't got the slightest idea. they either understand it or fight it and i'm guessing that they fight it with every ounce of strength they have, until they come to terms with it. it doesn't have to go that way, sometimes they just give in to it, but it's my story so...

I'm thinking they keep staring at each other trying to decipher whatever feeling they have towards each other. why their hearts keep pounding, why there are butterflies in their tummies, why they can't manage a word when they are around each other. in some situations they try to understand why they hate each other, sometimes they try understand feelings of violence, exasperation, basically strong emotions that involves harming the other, but i'm sticking with the first scenario. they keep wondering why they only feel this way with each other and other people, they try so hard to feel this way with other people so they can classify such feelings as normal, basically nothing special. they avoid each other because they don't like the things that happen when they are around each other.

I'm thinking they finally give in to the love they have for each other, they finally acknowledge the feelings that they have for each other. they realize they can't live without each other or is that supposed to come earlier? i don't know. sometimes they give in to lust and realize they have fallen in love with each other, or sometimes they agree that they have something and it takes a long time to finally say the dreaded three words "I Love You"... the male proposes or the female does (in rare situations) and they meet each other's families, or does that again come before. anyway they get married and live happily ever after.

I'm thinking all these thoughts and what-if's pop into my head and somehow burst my pretty bubble.
what if the the feelings are one-sided, the butterflies, the pounding, the attraction, basically the love.
the person becomes obsessive, thinking maybe "if I just meet him/her, just maybe..."
or overtime such individual becomes heart broken and sad and sometimes eventually becomes suicidal.

i'm also thinking what if one party just uses the other for sex, money, fame, power, things that do not even go anywhere close to the heart. the extremely wicked ones just play along to humiliate the other party. 
they get the other party to bare their heart, basically throwing themselves unarmed at the other party, hoping that they'll meet each other half way and maybe lift each other up, yet they are forced to come to the harsh realization, that they were a means to an end. this leaves them heart broken again and sometimes suicidal. this again veers from the path of happy endings that i have created for my love story.

i'm also thinking of the possibility that after the marriage and the honey moon phase, one party changes. they become withdrawn and they start to wonder what clouded their visions and made them think they were in love. they begin to wonder if they married the right person for them, if they rushed into marriage too fast, if they should have followed the advice of those who warned them against each other.
they start to think, what if they had married someone else, someone with better physical appearances, more money or someone who is more presentable. they begin to harbor feelings of discontent in their heart, that overtime becomes hatred towards the other party.
 
i like to think that somewhere in the nearest future i'll have a happy ending, that i'll find the love that i desperately search for. love that knows my flaws and loves them because they are mine. love that makes me angry and probably have extremely violent feelings and at the same time turns me to putty with a smile or an action or perhaps a word. love that makes me pray to God for him more than i pray for myself. love that makes me feel like i'm his one special girl and nothing can ever change. however these what if's put doubts in my mind as to if it's all worth it. if the pain of feeling rejected and used is worth the short period of bliss and happiness, i it's worth the feeling of uselessness that washes over you the moment you realize you are not need anymore?

Each day without realizing it i pray to God to give me a love that is fully baked, to keep the ones that would hurt me out of the way till that special one comes, and sweeps me off my feet. yes! i said it i want to be swept of my feet, and yes it is silly but i want it anyway. i also pray to God to make it easy for my "the one" to find me. i just realized that i have even started praying or him wherever he is. LOL and i claim to be selfish :)

Cynthia:)



hey guys,

so its new years eve and instead of getting ready for the cross-over service in church, I'm here. i am supposed to have new year's resolutions, cuz its kind of a tradition in my family, but i can't say i want anything to change in me at this moment. my life is so not perfect at the moment, but i like it just the way it is. 2013 has taught me a lot of things and one of them is not to regret any action i take, cuz for some reason it has happened, i believe in fate. this year as usual i loved a lot and as usual i did nothing about it, because i am a chicken ;). anyway.... this is something i thought of while i was eating and reading 50 shades, i hope you like it and yeah, have a great new year's eve and be good in 2014. remember, NO REGRETS!!!!

if my love for you were the ocean, it would be larger than the atlantic
if it were the mountain, it would reach the heavens
if it were food, lord knows it would feed the world for years
i love you from the deepest darkest parts of my heart
parts that no one has experienced 

each day i wake up and i pray for you, even more than i pray for myself
i pray to God to keep you for me, to bless you and keep you happy
because your happiness equals mine, and your misery would be the death of me
i also pray to him to keep you alive because if you're gone, then my existence is pointless

just as Adam lost a rib to Eve, i lost my heart to you
i am prepared to give you everything, my body, my soul, and you already have my heart
i would give everything and anything just so i could be with you
i love every part of you and my heart belongs totally to you

and with all of these i have offered,i still don't have you
each day i watch you give everything i want to someone undeserving, who only throws them back at you
And its because i love you, any attention i can get from you is better than nothing
and if anyone told you that your prim and proper maid works for you in the name love
i bet you'll never even think twice about denying it...

hey guys,
Being obsessive about romance, and seeing as that is what my blog is about, well here is romance, enjoy and please give me feed back at onyinye.mbala@Gmail.com... I like to think I'm a good writer, but I would love your criticism..


Puberty was a blessing to me I filled out nicely, with the ample bosom, that is the trademark of every African lady, and I turned a lot of eyes.. I mean few African men don't get distracted by ass.. I felt well I could have every guy I wanted, and a part of me still feels my mom noticed what I was becoming and how I took it and used it to my advantage, but even if she did I guess she wanted me to learn my lesson. At this time I was 14 and I had this cute neighbour, I think he was 16 at the time. he was in one word, what most girls would call "beauty". Hell I even saw it too.. but with my pride and attitude I felt he wasn't all that..

I'm just going to call him Ted. He was a friend of my brother's and was my arch-enemy. He would tease me soo much that I even started having dreams of killing him... it was that bad.. I remember this one time there was this cute guy in my estate and I was talking to him and Ted just came to us and started saying really annoying stuff to me and he called my brother out, and I must say my brother is the over-protective type. My brother chased my cute guy away, and I mean literally, like down the road, and screamed at me for putting myself out there for guys... Thinking about all of this right now I'm just like I was fucking 14, people don't even have social lives at that age, at least that was what my brother felt. Being the devilish bastard I was, I got back at Ted in the most vicious way I could think of... I ended his relationship with his girlfriend. He was mad at me for like weeks and then we got back to our normal teasing.

I did not realise that we were in the same grade till he switched schools and came to my boarding school. Did I forget to mention that ted was hot at 16... Well he was, every girl wanted him and he knew it.... He made my life soo miserable and I returned the favour, one time he was eating in the cafeteria and I poured my cup of water on him and he almost beat the crap out of me... and believe me I was soo fucking scared but you know man gatts save face, so I pretended like I wasn't even moved by his anger... Ted just walked away, and I thought he did not touch me out of respect for my brother.. but he was angry again for a long time, but being Ted, we went to our normal teasing, and it went on till graduation, and he left for Australia. The thing is, I loved Ted although I would have rather died than tell him that.... I loved him soo much and the fact that he left without saying goodbye hurt me soo bad, I mean this was a guy that I loved and he didn't love me back. It just made me feel like the power that I felt I "wielded'' over the male gender was in fact only in my imagination.

Anyway, I also did some travelling, and I went back home for the summer, and I was expecting Ted to be there, but he wasn't..... Through out the summer I did nothing but go to the beach, to his favourite spot, in anticipation that he would find me there, but he never came... I pined for him and cursed him for not coming back to see me.... Although it was not really my place to do so... I got bored going to the beach everyday, so I worked in my mom's boutique.... One rainy morning, while I cursed my decision to work for my mom, which meant that regardless of who you are you had to report for work at 7:30... I mean do people still wake up at that time.... while I was swearing and being angry, I heard a familiar chuckle, it was that of my brother's... I hadn't seen this fool in a long while and I was soo happy; I jumped on him while he caught me and spun me around.... A familiar voice then said, 'if only I could get that enthusiasm from you'.... It was him, Ted, he still had that same smile same face although he had grown taller and those shoulders were breathtaking...

My mum saw my brother and they went off to catch up, leaving Ted and I alone.. He just kept staring at me and I felt uncomfortable, so I thumped him, it was bad enough that he left without a goodbye, but was making me feel weird and I did not like that.. He just smiled and as usual I was speechless for some seconds although I recovered quickly, to ask him why he left without saying goodbye. He then asked me if we were friends at the time... The statement hurt and I think he knew that because he suddenly grabbed me into his arms and kissed me, and I felt the way I felt in all those dreams that I had featuring him. When he stopped he looked at me, as though he wanted more than a kiss, but he did not want to overstep any boundaries...

When Ted told me he wanted to marry me, I was shocked.... and I refused, and my reasons being:

  • he was not in love with me
  • he hated me and I hated him
  • it was the second day of his return
  • we argued half the time
  • I was certain he was not in love with me...
I was scared of being in a marriage that was loveless and filled with arguments which I knew was bound to happen. Ted threw me off balance by saying that he fell in love with me when we first moved into the house when I was 7 and he was 9. he loved me soo bad that he pestered his parents to switch schools so he could see me everyday... he loved me soo much that he fought with my brother, his best bud by the way, over me, which made it impossible to ask me out. he loved me so much that for every St. Valentine's Day in school, he would send me flowers and candy, but make it seem like it was from the boy I showed interest in, so that I wouldn't feel bad because the boy never did like me. he loved me to the extent that he couldn't bear life without seeing me. he loved me so much that he quit his job and his life in Australia to come back and look for me.... which I thought was pretty a silly reason seeing as he owned his company...

Anyway, I'm in this big room filled with people and beside me is the man I love, lets just say I agreed to marry him, I mean I can't get old without a husband right?? I'm kidding, I love my Ted soo much and yeah we got married and I cant wait for the honeymoon... Oh yeah, I finally figured out why he didn't hit me in school and also why he totally cockblocked me from that random guy cutie from my estate.. yeah well you probably figured it out too... I love him so much and I cant wait to win every argument by seducing him... it's going to be fun....x

this is all I can think of right now... have a great day guys..:)

My First

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Well he's not technically my first, but I guess I loved him....

I saw him first in my second law class... I think he was late returning for the semester so that was probably why he didn't come to the first class. He was the first Nigerian boy that I just liked at once... they tend to get annoying and when you get to know them, you become used to them, so your feelings towards them change to a more intimate one, and then you tend to think its love. With him it was different... he was cute in that baby way that made you just want to hug him, his voice was made in heaven, or so I thought at the time... I told myself that it would pass like my other crushes, but I think I knew I was deceiving myself.... and if you're reading this and you know yourself, please don't think I'm weird....

anyway after that class, I told all my friends about him... like I didn't even waste that much time... they never believed that he was that "fine", and I know they probably still didn't even after I showed him to them. the next day I found out that he was in all my classes except my homeroom. and I started the looking game thing.... sometimes I still think he thought I was weirdo but oh well... sometimes I would stare at him and then when he caught me I looked away... I mean I did that with everyone, I don't really make eye contact with people because I just don't feel comfortable with it, its like they can read my mind and my eyes are very expressive.... but with him it was different... I don't know how but I know it was. 

I went through every phase of love... sometimes I was like yeah well he can't ever like me cuz I am not like other girls that are straightforward.. and some other times I'm like I'll be the one to take off the blindfold, to open his eyes to my "hidden beauty"... and yeah that only happened like one night when I watched all the Cinderella story movies... please don't judge me...:D anyway I think he got the message that I liked him cuz every time he walked past me and my friends were there, they would nudge me and make all this silly faces and noises... and for a time it got weird... and perpetual if you're reading this, with all the love in this world, fuck you!!

so one week, I was feeling all superwoman-ish and I "proclaimed" to my friends that I did not like him anymore and I also managed to convince myself that I didn't... only because through out that week I did not see him... on the Friday of that week, I was having lunch and he walked past... and I just kept staring at all that gorgeousness... my friends noticed and teased me the whole fucking day... oh yeah and sometimes I was just like why me lord? how can the boy I like not even say a word to me although it seemed like he knew I liked him, and then other boys I dint give two fucks about keep bugging me? I sound mean but it was the honest truth..

He did some nice things for me, he helped me carry a bag one time and he also called me smart indirectly.. or at least that was the way I interpreted it... and yeah we had conversation once... and yeah I almost forgot... I was Skype-ing with my friend in the same residence as him one time, and he walked and said hi to me and didn't it know was me so I just listened to their conversation... he is smart and I guess that is what I like in a guy... I mean physical qualities count but a brain has to come with it right?...

This summer my friend sent him a message saying that I loved him in Chinese..... fuck you again perpetual.. and yeah I don't think I can ever face him again... he was a cool first love I guess... yeah he was... The annoying part was that I never got to go out with him although if asked me out I'll have probably said no because I'm stupid like that.... he seemed like a fun guy and yeah that's it about him, that I know of.. and if you're reading this please don't judge me again ....

I don't

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I don't want to wake up each morning alone
I don't want to wake up and come to the realization that you never loved me
I don't want to think about the fact that the love that I thought I felt was a façade
I don't want to believe that you only saw me as a means to an end
I don't want to understand that you used me to get to my friend
I don't want to hear that your heart now belongs to another
although it technically never belonged to me.....

I don't want to see your face
it reminds of all those times that you said you loved me
and I believed it
I don't want to hear your name
it reminds me of all those blush worthy times I screamed it
in the heat of our passion, the one I thought was real.

everyday I keep picking at the scabs in heart
just my existence is pain,
seeing as I can't do anything without thinking of you
I loathe you, at the same time I love every part of you

I don't want to know anything about you
I have enough pain already
please don't inflict more
don't come to me saying sorry
it does not bring you back to me
rather seeing you is a constant reminder
a reminder of everything I lost...
I don't want anything that has to do with you

*words from a broken heart

Okay so I'm in my history class and I do not understand anything my professor is saying.... so i'm just going to vent on here...
Yesterday I saw a picture of you and I thought to myself, how do I ever stop loving you
I'm probably too young to be talking love but what I feel is different from any crush i've ever had. It is nerve wrecking and disgusting and annoying and too fucking  beautiful. I love you and I don't know what to do about it. I don't see you as much as I do and although I know that you know that I feel something for you I can't fathom if you feel the same way about me

I can't bring myself to love another because no one else has made me feel the fluttering of butterflies in my tummy.... no one has made my heart pound just by looking at me, no one has those beautiful eyes of yours.... no one has that havoc wrecking smile of yours.... that smile that I'm sure turned even the hardest of hearts to putty.... i'm not capable of love if it's not you...

Lool this sounds soo serious..

I remember when I was drained emotionally and psychologically on Friday, the beginning of thanksgiving weekend, anticipating a loooong boring weekend watching romantic movies and eating ice-cream, lamenting over the fact that everybody else has a life and I don't. but trust that was soo not how this weekend went.

On Saturday, I woke up and realised I had some shopping to do so went to the south keys after making myself look like I was bearing the weight of the world all by myself.. I was at Wal-Mart and I saw a few friends... before I could finish exchanging pleasantries, well lets just say I was overwhelmed and didn't know the particular point at which I agreed to spend the weekend downtown. forget the way I'm making it seem boring... it was the exact opposite..... my friends are loud and we can conclude that my weekend was a pretty loud one..

for dinner on Saturday I made some beautiful pasta thing that I invented as usual...;) and it took hours to finish so by the time we were done all we did was eat and sleep.... but I skipped out on all the fun parts...as we returned from Wal-Mart we saw beautiful boys and when I see something beautiful, I gotta say it.... so I screamed at the top of my voice "hey cutie!" and they all turned and me and my friends just smiled and waved ..... they got on the train with us and they would look at us and try to avert their eyes...to cut the story short, my friend Vicky who is soo forward by the way went up to them and started a conversation

they all loosened up and were laughing. they seemed to be having fun so I was working up the nerve to join in the fun since I am up for anything that spells Romance. that was when she came back and says "don't even bother guys they're kids". being the youngest out of all my friends I still didn't care so I asked "how old" and she said they were 16...

why exactly do the good-looking guys have to be too young or douchebags or homosexual... I mean normal sexy beautiful guys that look like God set a special day aside to create them, or look like beautifying fairy dust and magic and enchantment whatever was sprinkled on them, are sooo hard to find these days.

anyway back to my story, so that was it for our fun... oh and unless you count making everyone on the bus join in on our conversation, I mean that was the highlight of my Saturday evening because on the bus we were having this really loud conversation, until old guy finally said and I quote "would you all quit talking about these girls marriages, they are just kids, what the fuck are they doing getting married"... oh yeah I forgot to say, we were talking buying or renting a wedding dress.. being the wedding crazed maniac that I am, lets just say I took that argument pretty serious. on Sunday morning I woke up late, so thanksgiving service was out of the question, but being the religious person I am, I went to an evening service...

 anyway I spent my time trying a new dish.... roast duck, with pasta for stuffing and fried rice... the pasta and the rice came out pretty nice but my beautiful baby refused to get done... I mean the duck :( anyway way I had to finally cut the duck into different pieces cuz I couldn't wait any longer and there....

on Monday I did absolutely nothing... actually I went to dunni's thanks giving dinner.... it is actually refreshing to see boys who can cook, well. anyway they had a proper roast turkey and it was delicious by the way, but I was soo full. I met new people.... tolu bimpe tunu dave cassie ... that's all I can remember.... it was a battle not to fall asleep.... don't get me wrong it was funnn but man was tired now.... my body was complaining... we played games and talked about things ranging from sexual escapades to the white house to being single to American politics to buses in Ottawa and Toronto..... it was the most random discussion I had ever seen. I just found out today that people knew Obama's address...

it was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wish for any better, I guess... I mean there are things you certainly don't see every day, Vicky cursing in three languages when she burnt her fingers on the stove... that was priceless... or even listening to exhilarating conversations about 50 shades of grey, gay actors, or even the talent Asian girls seem to have, of always looking cute even if its obvious their closet vomited on them. it was something I'm definitely sad is over and I wish to experience again... well dreaming is over and my harsh reality is the fact that I have three mother-fucking essays due next week.... superwoman mode activated....;)  G'night y'all, hope you had a lovely thanksgiving....

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